So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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