i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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