I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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