My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
