I need to stop coming to work sober
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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