I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
