Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
