stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
