I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
