Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
