dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The Olympian is in my bed
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
