I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
