and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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