Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
