They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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