Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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