I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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