Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
