i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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