I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have aggressive nipples.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
