What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize