Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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