guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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