I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
