Already got asked if we're dating
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
