Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
