Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You took a bar mat shot.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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