I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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