No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
sarcasm needs its own font
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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