I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
