I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize