Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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