Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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