there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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