i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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