Screwed.edu
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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