I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
