listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
