I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
