i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Randomize
