I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
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I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
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I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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