i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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