Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
