Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
