Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
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Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
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I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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