dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I intend to get homeless drunk
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
