why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
don't judge my taste in strippers
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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