I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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