I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
