We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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