my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
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