dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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