There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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