Where did you get a picture of my penis
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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