so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
