I'm so fucking centered right now
grandma shit on top of the toilet
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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