Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
