Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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